Delicate Balances... (between "I" and "Others")

Like most people, I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person.

Additionally, I like to think that I am at least marginally Emotionally Intelligent, that I can feel if someone around me is uncomfortable, that I can, at least on most issues, empathize with other people's emotions if they need me to (if I perceive or if they express the need for such empathy).

The keywords are "reasonably" and "marginally." As I get older and experience more mature situations, I am beginning to doubt that I am at the level that I once so grandiosely thought I had attained.

But, there is a hunger inside of me... Several hungers inside of me.

I want to be more connected to loved ones...

I want to taste freedom from the burdens that I have created for myself...

I want to find the truth...

I want to work harder and smarter and find my niche...

I want to find what I am looking for...

Breckin, my son, has brought to me a feeling of love that I have never experienced. And, I am on that high now. I want more. To FEEL loved? To achieve? To feel connected in a "soulmate" type way...

I am not there yet. Is it because I will not allow it? Or is it because I am not capable of such a connection? Is it out of my control at this point in time? AM I looking in the wrong place? Is that feeling sitting in the corner, staring me in the eye? Does it even exist?

Oh, shit. I stink... been mowing the lawn, and feel and smell like dust and exhaust!